Resting is difficult

The kids finally go into their rooms. The previous 30 minutes was filled with giggles and approximately 3 arguments as my son and daughter prepared for bed. For reasons I cannot begin to understand, the tasks of brushing teeth and changing into pajamas cannot be completed without some discussion over toothpaste or who needs privacy in the bathroom again or some other random and insignificant topic. It is like they have never gotten ready for bed before and have no idea what is required. Typically at some point in the evening's preparations, laughter pours down the stairs. What brought on this hilarity is unknown and us parents prefer it that way. After the fifth time asking the kids to settle down and just go to bed, each finally retire to their individual rooms.

It's quiet. My wife is on the computer or having some conversation with a friend. I used to try to listen and see if they were talking about me, but I soon realized the discussion centers around other female friends and children. These topics do not interest me, so I sit and look for relaxation.

It would seem that the act of relaxing would be easy. I am under the impression that to relax is the act of doing nothing. Just letting yourself be and setting aside the stress and worries of the day and do nothing. So this is what I attempt and I find this impossible.

I am so conditioned by my life to "do" that I now cannot "not-do". My mind will not quit racing. It does not know how to not worry about finances, the roof that needs repairs, the marketing plan that is due on Monday, the plans for this weekend, the sudden changes in my daughter now that she is in middle school, the sinus infection that is now afflicting my son, my wife's burdensome job, my long term career hopes, this little blog, the oil change that is needed in my car, the lunch meeting with a client tomorrow, the phone call on Friday, and this list goes on and on. It is almost deafening.

What I find most disconcerting is the speed and intensity that appears to be normal for me. As my heart begins to slow from an surprising rate, I cannot stop the feverish compulsion of my thoughts. I can almost feel my mind and soul getting the cold shakes of withdrawal as I try to take away the stress and worry. I cannot will it to be still and calm and any effort to do so increases the intensity.

Is this how I operate throughout my waking hours? Is this what I accept as normal? Is this me? This cannot be good. No one can sustain this level of intensity and not be affected.

I need a distraction, so I go to television, or my Blackberry to see what is happening on twitter. It's another fix and my mind is temporarily satisfied. However, I feel the call of God asking me to turn the TV off and put down the Crackberry and just be still.

I relent and try to calm my mind. I can't. My ears almost ring with the silence and my brain craves stimulation to distract from the bombardment of thought. I am scared of what I accept as normal now. It is only by sitting still do I see the turmoil and frenzy of my internal life. There is no room for peace and tranquility in me. All of me is filled with worry, deadlines, stress, and planning, and this I accept.

God, teach me to stop. Teach me to relearn what I now consider as normal. May I live out and experience Psalm 62:5 "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him."

Does anyone else struggle with this? Does anyone take the time to be still and find they can actually pull it off? Any advice or discussion would be appreciated.