It's time to do this

Today was a big day for me. Work continues its dreadful march toward some inevitable fate. What that fate is, I have no idea, but I know tomorrow I am called to show up and give it my all.

I have really thought about my life given the circumstances that I now find myself in. I feel like I have stayed at my current position, because it was best for me and my family. It was safe and my future was filled with promise. However, that future looks more and more dim, and now I feel my future at my current employer is no longer as safe as it once was.

It is like the playing field has been leveled and all options available to me are as safe (or unsafe) as any other. So now I choose my calling upon "What does God want for me?" Of course, I have wanted to follow God's will and calling throughout my life, and I feel I have done what He has asked of me. But now, there is a restlessness and a sense that there could be a new chapter waiting for me.

I listened to a John Eldredge podcast on Desire, and today his discussion aligned with what I have been wrestling with. He said that God has created each of us with a very special part to play in His plan and we were created with that part specifically in mind. You can get a clue as to your part by looking at what you Desire. He asked us to consider 3 questions to get at your deepest desire, which will lead you to your part in God's plan.

1. What do you want to bring to the world?
2. Certain compliments from others bring a deep satisfaction. What are those?
3. What activities do you do when you feel God's pleasure?

I began to consider those questions, and of course writing came to mind. It has come to mind for now almost 20 years. I wanted something else.

So I began to pray, and I really felt a lot of conflict internally. I began to fall into a deep dispair, one in which I am very familiar. It felt like the dark times in my life were beginning again. I literally screamed out to God, "No, I will not go through this f'in s*** again. You will not sit there and watch me go down this path of seeking and you sit up there and remain silent. I will not pour my heart out once again and have you disregard it so easily." I became very angry, and let God have it.

I wanted to hear from Him very very clearly about what He has called me to. Some things came to mind....

1. I love leading others in excellence. I don't have to be the #1 guy, I just want to have influence and be involved in something that is bigger than me that strives toward excellence.
2. I love being creative. I have doubts about my talent, but I have turned out some cool things that have excited me and others (visually, film, writing, etc.)
3. I love playing around with ideas and linking ideas and concepts and see how they fit into the grand scheme of things.

So that is great. What exercise can I go through that allows me those things.

Again, writing came up. I don't want it to come up. I am tired of playing around with this idea of writing and seeing it go no where. Of course, I have not given it the attention it has needed, but nonetheless I wanted something new. Also, I wanted to hear God call me to something.

So He did.

He reminded me of those times in which I have sat down to write and the words have just flowed from someplace that was cooler and bigger and more creative than I was. I have heard a lot of people, mostly family, but some outside (Tara) who have complimented me on what I can say through words and how my words have affected them. I have wanted to write since for over half of my life, and now, I feel like I have been given another chance.

I wanted it to be something different. Something new and cool and filled with technology. But it wasn't. It was writing. The ghost that has chased me for 20 years. The one that I have so many times turned to embrace, only to cast it aside once again out of fear and self doubt.

I told this story to Amy and she was so happy for me. She says that after I write, I am so refreshed, even more than when I play golf. I did not realize that. That is an encouraging thought.

So here I go. I have no idea what lies in store for me, but I think God likes it that way. He does not give us very powerful flashlights. He only gives us His hand and asks us to trust Him that the way He is leading us is best, even though it may seem treacherous and exhausting, we have placed our hand in His, and that is all we really can do.

Ok, God...here I go...It's time to do this.

I pray for encouragement and faith and that you will bring those around me that believe in me. I pray that you help me persevere through those times in which I may lose hope and purpose. This is scary. Tell me You have my hand and that this is the way you have for me now.

Thanks. I love you, God. Please don't let me down.