As I drove down the street trying to listen to a little Belle & Sebastian to calm me down, I realized it was pointless. The first tear ran down my face as I turned the radio off and contemplated what was in store for me. I was on my way to meet with someone who was going through so much pain and suffering that I did not know if I could handle being around him. And then I would think about actually going through what he has been called to go through and I started to weep even more. I screamed at God for allowing this to happen, saying he did not deserve to go through this. This is too much for one person to handle. The tears kept coming, not just for him, but myself and so many other friends who are going through the shit right now in some bad bad ways.
So many people get to be like 30 or 35 and just decide to blow up their lives as they know it. They make these stupid, selfish decisions and it brings so much pain and suffering to so many people. No one can fully anticipate all the damage they can bring when they make some of the decisions they do.
I mean we all have done some regrettable things, but they all seem to have such massive heart breaking consequences now.
What happens at this stage in our lives to make us do this? Even as I write this more and more individuals that I love and cherish are either going through some really bad things or are the cause of some really bad things. Why...why...
Is it because the way we are living does not work? Does it take approximately 10 years to realize the construct we have built that defines how we live our lives is broken and so we get desperate and reach for things that we know will destroy us, but we have no other choice? Is our view of God and his love and acceptance so messed up that we are scared to reach to him? We are so scared to get help even when we know we are dying inside. We know we are headed down a dark and lonely path and some even have the foresight to know the gravity of the decisions they are about to make, but the pain we are about to bring on us and those around us is not as great as the pain we feel in our chests.
So we jump...we run...we grasp to something that is evil and wrong but feels so good in that moment. It is sickening sweet and new and heavy, but gross...but different.
And it is done.
We are shocked at the power of one decision as to how it has affected us and those who we claim to love and care for. We had no idea how powerful we truly are to completely destroy and harm others. We see the spiritual and eternal ramifications and it is breathtaking. We are powerful and awesome and it makes us scared. No one should be able to destroy that much with one decision. But as you look at the ruins of your life, you understand and appreciate and regret your ability.
But it is done.
God help us, but you won't think he will...
As a word of warning for those who have just entered adulthood or recently on their journey. Get help, counseling help, as soon as you see it going south. It will not get better on it's own. It is like a festering sore that you won't get treated so it gets so bad you decide to cut the arm off on your own.
It's not about making the right decisions on your job, or being successful, or finding the right spouse. It is about fixing your view of God. Do that and you have a better shot at not screwing it all up than the rest of us had...
God help us all...
31 July 2009
05 July 2009
Success verses Purpose
I don't want to be necessarily successful at something, I just want to know that what I do is what I am supposed to do.
For instance, I saw a documentary on music and the human brain and the connection between the two. I learned of a man who suffered from autism but who could play anything on the piano only having listened to it once. He did not just play exactly what he heard like a computer play-back, but he played with the melody and made it better and his own, but still it was at its core, the song he had just heard for the first time. I made a comment to my wife that when God created him, God knew exactly what his place and role on this earth would be. This musician does not question his ability or his "calling". What he does flows from him as naturally as breath.
Tiger Woods was put on this earth to play golf, Mother Theresa was put on this earth to help the least of these, Martin Luther King, Jr. was put on this earth to speak for the oppressed. Jackson Pollack was put on this earth to paint. Woody Allen was put on this earth to make movies.
Now those are people who everyone knows, but I have friends who are similar. A guy who I went to high school with was put on this earth to make movies, and while he may not have made anything with a million dollar budget, he loves what he does and he is not swayed. One of my closest friends is so talented in the music business. He does not even give himself the credit he deserves and every time he thinks of getting out of the business, I cringe. Luckily God has done about everything to keep him in it.
That is what I long for. I would love a singular directive from the God who made me so that I could give all my efforts toward that end. Even if I did not succeed in the eyes of those around me, I would know I was doing what I was called to do and not have to deal with the questions and doubts that surround me on a daily basis.
I am thankful for those who have found their purpose and who allow others to enjoy their work, such as artists, architects, engineers, scientists, doctors, etc. I am now watching Tim Reynolds and Dave Matthews in concert so that I can enjoy great music on a warm July evening. I am thankful for the Belgium monks who made this Abbey Brown Ale of which I have partaken. I am thankful for those who have used their talents and directed their passions to make the world a better place.
The question is, "what is my talent?"
If I was honest, I would admit that I still feel like that kid about to graduate high school who gets very quiet and looks at his shoes when he is asked by every adult, "so what do you want to do with your life?"
I imagine most people feel like this. They have fallen into a vocation out of laziness or pressure from within or from outside, but still feel like a bit of a round peg in a square hole. I at least hope others feel like this. It would be a bit disheartening to find out everyone gets up in the morning with a singular purpose that has been clearly communicated by the Creator of the Universe with no doubt or questioning. If that's the case, don't tell me.
I don't know...
Maybe this is my attempt to control my life. If I know my purpose, maybe I don't need God. It's almost like getting directions from someone then taking off to follow those directions. God does not want me to walk this journey of life like that. He does not want a preliminary meeting where He tells me what He wants as clear as possible so that I can then take off and live my life without a daily walk with Him.
Is it OK to know what you are supposed to do tomorrow, but have no idea 5 years from now? While this seems like the right approach, this will only get me where I am now.
Anyway...this is boring to me now. Too introspective and whiny. Gonna listen to some more music and think about this. The Abbey Brown Ale will help.
ha ha.
For instance, I saw a documentary on music and the human brain and the connection between the two. I learned of a man who suffered from autism but who could play anything on the piano only having listened to it once. He did not just play exactly what he heard like a computer play-back, but he played with the melody and made it better and his own, but still it was at its core, the song he had just heard for the first time. I made a comment to my wife that when God created him, God knew exactly what his place and role on this earth would be. This musician does not question his ability or his "calling". What he does flows from him as naturally as breath.
Tiger Woods was put on this earth to play golf, Mother Theresa was put on this earth to help the least of these, Martin Luther King, Jr. was put on this earth to speak for the oppressed. Jackson Pollack was put on this earth to paint. Woody Allen was put on this earth to make movies.
Now those are people who everyone knows, but I have friends who are similar. A guy who I went to high school with was put on this earth to make movies, and while he may not have made anything with a million dollar budget, he loves what he does and he is not swayed. One of my closest friends is so talented in the music business. He does not even give himself the credit he deserves and every time he thinks of getting out of the business, I cringe. Luckily God has done about everything to keep him in it.
That is what I long for. I would love a singular directive from the God who made me so that I could give all my efforts toward that end. Even if I did not succeed in the eyes of those around me, I would know I was doing what I was called to do and not have to deal with the questions and doubts that surround me on a daily basis.
I am thankful for those who have found their purpose and who allow others to enjoy their work, such as artists, architects, engineers, scientists, doctors, etc. I am now watching Tim Reynolds and Dave Matthews in concert so that I can enjoy great music on a warm July evening. I am thankful for the Belgium monks who made this Abbey Brown Ale of which I have partaken. I am thankful for those who have used their talents and directed their passions to make the world a better place.
The question is, "what is my talent?"
If I was honest, I would admit that I still feel like that kid about to graduate high school who gets very quiet and looks at his shoes when he is asked by every adult, "so what do you want to do with your life?"
I imagine most people feel like this. They have fallen into a vocation out of laziness or pressure from within or from outside, but still feel like a bit of a round peg in a square hole. I at least hope others feel like this. It would be a bit disheartening to find out everyone gets up in the morning with a singular purpose that has been clearly communicated by the Creator of the Universe with no doubt or questioning. If that's the case, don't tell me.
I don't know...
Maybe this is my attempt to control my life. If I know my purpose, maybe I don't need God. It's almost like getting directions from someone then taking off to follow those directions. God does not want me to walk this journey of life like that. He does not want a preliminary meeting where He tells me what He wants as clear as possible so that I can then take off and live my life without a daily walk with Him.
Is it OK to know what you are supposed to do tomorrow, but have no idea 5 years from now? While this seems like the right approach, this will only get me where I am now.
Anyway...this is boring to me now. Too introspective and whiny. Gonna listen to some more music and think about this. The Abbey Brown Ale will help.
ha ha.
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