what happens when you turn 30?

As I drove down the street trying to listen to a little Belle & Sebastian to calm me down, I realized it was pointless. The first tear ran down my face as I turned the radio off and contemplated what was in store for me. I was on my way to meet with someone who was going through so much pain and suffering that I did not know if I could handle being around him. And then I would think about actually going through what he has been called to go through and I started to weep even more. I screamed at God for allowing this to happen, saying he did not deserve to go through this. This is too much for one person to handle. The tears kept coming, not just for him, but myself and so many other friends who are going through the shit right now in some bad bad ways.

So many people get to be like 30 or 35 and just decide to blow up their lives as they know it. They make these stupid, selfish decisions and it brings so much pain and suffering to so many people. No one can fully anticipate all the damage they can bring when they make some of the decisions they do.

I mean we all have done some regrettable things, but they all seem to have such massive heart breaking consequences now.

What happens at this stage in our lives to make us do this? Even as I write this more and more individuals that I love and cherish are either going through some really bad things or are the cause of some really bad things. Why...why...

Is it because the way we are living does not work? Does it take approximately 10 years to realize the construct we have built that defines how we live our lives is broken and so we get desperate and reach for things that we know will destroy us, but we have no other choice? Is our view of God and his love and acceptance so messed up that we are scared to reach to him? We are so scared to get help even when we know we are dying inside. We know we are headed down a dark and lonely path and some even have the foresight to know the gravity of the decisions they are about to make, but the pain we are about to bring on us and those around us is not as great as the pain we feel in our chests.

So we jump...we run...we grasp to something that is evil and wrong but feels so good in that moment. It is sickening sweet and new and heavy, but gross...but different.

And it is done.

We are shocked at the power of one decision as to how it has affected us and those who we claim to love and care for. We had no idea how powerful we truly are to completely destroy and harm others. We see the spiritual and eternal ramifications and it is breathtaking. We are powerful and awesome and it makes us scared. No one should be able to destroy that much with one decision. But as you look at the ruins of your life, you understand and appreciate and regret your ability.

But it is done.

God help us, but you won't think he will...

As a word of warning for those who have just entered adulthood or recently on their journey. Get help, counseling help, as soon as you see it going south. It will not get better on it's own. It is like a festering sore that you won't get treated so it gets so bad you decide to cut the arm off on your own.

It's not about making the right decisions on your job, or being successful, or finding the right spouse. It is about fixing your view of God. Do that and you have a better shot at not screwing it all up than the rest of us had...

God help us all...