Someone should have warned me

I am ruined…let me tell you a story.

I lingered a few steps behind her, not knowing my place, as she waded through the sea of middle school kids. Everyone seemed happy and talkative with their friends. I caught a glimpse of my daughter’s eyes sweeping the crowd desperately looking for a familiar face. She was nervous driving over here and it just built as we pulled in and got out of the car. My heart just went out to her. Finally she sees a thin brown haired boy, and she calls out his name. He looks up as he runs to meet his friends behind us. “Hey Julia,” he says as he continues to run to catch up with his friends. She is hurt. Her one lifeline that she reached out for ran past her as quickly as she found him. Now I know that this kid was not being mean, he is an 11 year old boy and wants to hang with his friends, but I know that hope was gone and her fear grows as a result.

We are here at our new church on a Wednesday at a service specifically for 6th graders. We switched to this church hoping Julia would meet someone at church who also went to her school. We discussed this as a family and Julia was really excited. We felt it would be great for Julia to have friends that went to both her school and church as she entered middle school. So here we are, doing what we think is best, hoping God honors our efforts. God help my beautiful, sweet, fragile daughter.

We enter the church and find out that the 6th graders are upstairs. Julia practically sprints up the stairs hoping someone up there will say hello and give her someone to sit with. She beats me up the stairs and as I reach the top I catch a glimpse of her heart and a lump begins to grow in my throat. The fear on her face is so familiar. I have felt exactly what she is now feeling. She put on her coolest T-shirt and favorite jeans and Chuck Taylor shoes. She even put her contacts in. She hates her contacts, but she bears the discomfort. Her hair is overbrushed because she does not like the way it looks. She does all this just so she can find someone to sit with and not feel out of place.

She paces through all the kids and finds no one. She looks up at me with eyes that I hold so dear. Eyes that catch the sun and bring such joy into my life. Her beautiful face is flushed with fear. The awkwardness is thick and she feels it so hard. It crushes her, feelings of being out of place, fear of disappointing me, anxiety from just not knowing what to do. If someone…anyone would just show up now it would all be fine. Just one girl out of the dozens and dozens that are here, one girl with a smile and an invitation, “Hey Julia, will you sit with us?” That is all we hope for, and it is not to be found.

She comes and stands beside me the only safe place she can find. She knows this respite is temporary and continues her search. The exercise of desperation with trying to look cool is impossible. I tried it and could not pull it off and neither can my wonderful daughter. I almost begin to blame myself for not giving her the genes that I lacked in situations like this. I wanted her to be brave and confident in her beauty and sweet spirit. She is so smart, smarter than anyone in my family, and she is a great friend, loyal and funny. Her wit and sarcasm makes even me laugh every day. Those who have had the privilege to experience it understand. She is one of the best things that will ever happen to me in my life and right now I just wish all these other horrible middle schoolers would just recognize what an amazing person they are ignoring. She is better than all of them, but she feels the complete opposite right now. She feels she is the worst of them.

I ask her if she wants me to wait or leave. I did not want my presence to make things difficult. Julia, being the sweet girl she is, leaves it up to me. I look her in the eye with all the compassion and seriousness I have and say, “What do YOU want?”

“Please stay,” she replies and gives me a smile.

Tears begin to well in my eyes and I have to look away. I want to grab her and take her away from all of this and love her and somehow show her how special she is and how she deserves to be delighted in by the world. Songs should be created in her honor. The gap between what she deserves verses what she is experiencing right now, right in front of my eyes, is bigger than the love of God, at least that is what it feels like.

Blinking back the tears, I turn as I hear the leaders asking everyone to head in. It’s time to start. I see Julia look up and possibly see a life raft in the dark angry sea she is swimming in. It is someone, and even without asking she follows her into the room. Julia doesn’t look back to say goodbye and I understand. She can’t let this person out of her sights.

I stand there, a mess inside, completely ruined as I see the pain my daughter went through and wonder why did it have to be that way. She is doing the right thing. She is doing what she is being asked and she knows it would be great for her to go to get involved at this church her parents chose. She shows courage that I don’t have and does not give up even though every one of those evil voices in her head are using this opportunity to destroy her heart. She has to fight off the voices that tell her she is not pretty and she feels the rejection deep within her. Why her? Why is she different? Where is her friend? Why can’t God give her someone, anyone, just a familiar face, just someone to sit with? She is doing her part, why can’t God do his part.

The helplessness I feel is overwhelming, knowing this is one incident and there will be so many more. I can’t protect her from this. She does not deserve this, but what can I do? Nothing…I can do nothing to keep the wounds from building on her young and precious heart.

Now I sit and wait. Praying desperately that she is having a good time and that her face is lit with that breathtaking smile she has. I hope she feels God’s warmth and pleasure through a friend. I hope they get in trouble from giggling too much tonight.

God, I love her so much. Take care of her when I can’t. She is the best of me and deserves so much better than what I have to offer her. Protect her heart because I can’t and that kills me.