Rejection hurts, but I make it worse

Rejection is horrible.

But I wonder if what I take as rejection is really not. For instance, I write this blog, some people dig it, and for that I am happy. But there are times in which I think someone would actually enjoy a certain post, and so I send it to them. These people have continually encouraged me to write due to some perceived talent. So I decide to take something that I have created and email it to them and invite comment.

The silence that returns is not just deafening, but screams its way into my heart and tears the place up, like a 80's rock band in Cleveland all hopped up on blow and Tab Cola.

I gotta ask myself, why I do this. Why do I send it to them?

If I were honest, it is because I am looking for more approval. I am looking for some encouragement, some word that says, "Hey, that does not completely suck and make me want to pound nails in my head. That actually bordered on bearable."

I should not be doing this for others approval, but because God has called me to it. Where is that internal drive that makes some push through no matter what others say or don't say? Why don't I have that? Where is the pursuit of my "art" or calling that burns within me. I don't even have people saying "you suck ass", they are just not saying anything. What would I do if someone out right rejected me and my writing?

Wow, I can easily become depressed with my fragility.

Could it be they were just too busy? Maybe someone had a bad day, or just did not think to comment. I have read a bunch of stuff and not let the author know that I thought it was well written and I got something out of it. I remember one time I expected a comment from someone on something I wrote, and he said that he could not think of anything that matched my level of intelligence. While I don't know if he was telling the truth, it felt pretty good when he said it.

How do you get there? By the way, this reminds me of the Patton Oswalt bit about "Death Bed - The Bed that Eats People".

How do I get to a point in which I don't care what others think, I just press forward?

...

I just took a minute to pray about this, and just realized, that I am pressing forward. I am here right now, with the headphones on listening to Elliot Smith, bottle of Samuel Adams Octoberfest beside me and nothing but the glow of the screen to show me the way, and I am typing away.

Why?

Because I gotta. I have to write. No matter how hard it is and how silent others are, it is just in me and I go crazy if I don't. No matter how much I hate it and how gut wrenching it can me at times, I have to do this. It's good for me. God put this in me.

I can take solace in the fact that I sat down to write about how much I hate to write. I was really on the brink of giving all this up again for like the 30th time. Once again, God intervenes and tells me to take my head out of my ass and see the world as it really is and just keep pressing forward. It's all in His hands anyway.

Alright. It felt good to go through that.

So what do I take from this rollercoaster of a night? For one thing, I need to go through my music playlist a bit. Jimmy Buffet's "Christmas in the Caribbean" is a real mood breaker when writing.

The other thing is I need to take my need for encouragement and validation to God and Him alone. I have put that burden on others, and they can't carry that burden. They did not ask for that to be put on them. The reason I chose to put that burden on them is because of their compliments. God forbid anyone else gives me a compliment in the future...no telling what I may ask of them. So don't give me a compliment. More rejection causes me to go to the One who can actually carry that burden and He also wants to carry that burden. So I will try to give it to Him, and hopefully He will show up again, like He did tonight. He showed me my passion and the surprising depth of my commitment.

Thanks for listening. This post was a bit strange and a disjointed. Sorry about that.