As I drove down the street trying to listen to a little Belle & Sebastian to calm me down, I realized it was pointless. The first tear ran down my face as I turned the radio off and contemplated what was in store for me. I was on my way to meet with someone who was going through so much pain and suffering that I did not know if I could handle being around him. And then I would think about actually going through what he has been called to go through and I started to weep even more. I screamed at God for allowing this to happen, saying he did not deserve to go through this. This is too much for one person to handle. The tears kept coming, not just for him, but myself and so many other friends who are going through the shit right now in some bad bad ways.
So many people get to be like 30 or 35 and just decide to blow up their lives as they know it. They make these stupid, selfish decisions and it brings so much pain and suffering to so many people. No one can fully anticipate all the damage they can bring when they make some of the decisions they do.
I mean we all have done some regrettable things, but they all seem to have such massive heart breaking consequences now.
What happens at this stage in our lives to make us do this? Even as I write this more and more individuals that I love and cherish are either going through some really bad things or are the cause of some really bad things. Why...why...
Is it because the way we are living does not work? Does it take approximately 10 years to realize the construct we have built that defines how we live our lives is broken and so we get desperate and reach for things that we know will destroy us, but we have no other choice? Is our view of God and his love and acceptance so messed up that we are scared to reach to him? We are so scared to get help even when we know we are dying inside. We know we are headed down a dark and lonely path and some even have the foresight to know the gravity of the decisions they are about to make, but the pain we are about to bring on us and those around us is not as great as the pain we feel in our chests.
So we jump...we run...we grasp to something that is evil and wrong but feels so good in that moment. It is sickening sweet and new and heavy, but gross...but different.
And it is done.
We are shocked at the power of one decision as to how it has affected us and those who we claim to love and care for. We had no idea how powerful we truly are to completely destroy and harm others. We see the spiritual and eternal ramifications and it is breathtaking. We are powerful and awesome and it makes us scared. No one should be able to destroy that much with one decision. But as you look at the ruins of your life, you understand and appreciate and regret your ability.
But it is done.
God help us, but you won't think he will...
As a word of warning for those who have just entered adulthood or recently on their journey. Get help, counseling help, as soon as you see it going south. It will not get better on it's own. It is like a festering sore that you won't get treated so it gets so bad you decide to cut the arm off on your own.
It's not about making the right decisions on your job, or being successful, or finding the right spouse. It is about fixing your view of God. Do that and you have a better shot at not screwing it all up than the rest of us had...
God help us all...
31 July 2009
05 July 2009
Success verses Purpose
I don't want to be necessarily successful at something, I just want to know that what I do is what I am supposed to do.
For instance, I saw a documentary on music and the human brain and the connection between the two. I learned of a man who suffered from autism but who could play anything on the piano only having listened to it once. He did not just play exactly what he heard like a computer play-back, but he played with the melody and made it better and his own, but still it was at its core, the song he had just heard for the first time. I made a comment to my wife that when God created him, God knew exactly what his place and role on this earth would be. This musician does not question his ability or his "calling". What he does flows from him as naturally as breath.
Tiger Woods was put on this earth to play golf, Mother Theresa was put on this earth to help the least of these, Martin Luther King, Jr. was put on this earth to speak for the oppressed. Jackson Pollack was put on this earth to paint. Woody Allen was put on this earth to make movies.
Now those are people who everyone knows, but I have friends who are similar. A guy who I went to high school with was put on this earth to make movies, and while he may not have made anything with a million dollar budget, he loves what he does and he is not swayed. One of my closest friends is so talented in the music business. He does not even give himself the credit he deserves and every time he thinks of getting out of the business, I cringe. Luckily God has done about everything to keep him in it.
That is what I long for. I would love a singular directive from the God who made me so that I could give all my efforts toward that end. Even if I did not succeed in the eyes of those around me, I would know I was doing what I was called to do and not have to deal with the questions and doubts that surround me on a daily basis.
I am thankful for those who have found their purpose and who allow others to enjoy their work, such as artists, architects, engineers, scientists, doctors, etc. I am now watching Tim Reynolds and Dave Matthews in concert so that I can enjoy great music on a warm July evening. I am thankful for the Belgium monks who made this Abbey Brown Ale of which I have partaken. I am thankful for those who have used their talents and directed their passions to make the world a better place.
The question is, "what is my talent?"
If I was honest, I would admit that I still feel like that kid about to graduate high school who gets very quiet and looks at his shoes when he is asked by every adult, "so what do you want to do with your life?"
I imagine most people feel like this. They have fallen into a vocation out of laziness or pressure from within or from outside, but still feel like a bit of a round peg in a square hole. I at least hope others feel like this. It would be a bit disheartening to find out everyone gets up in the morning with a singular purpose that has been clearly communicated by the Creator of the Universe with no doubt or questioning. If that's the case, don't tell me.
I don't know...
Maybe this is my attempt to control my life. If I know my purpose, maybe I don't need God. It's almost like getting directions from someone then taking off to follow those directions. God does not want me to walk this journey of life like that. He does not want a preliminary meeting where He tells me what He wants as clear as possible so that I can then take off and live my life without a daily walk with Him.
Is it OK to know what you are supposed to do tomorrow, but have no idea 5 years from now? While this seems like the right approach, this will only get me where I am now.
Anyway...this is boring to me now. Too introspective and whiny. Gonna listen to some more music and think about this. The Abbey Brown Ale will help.
ha ha.
For instance, I saw a documentary on music and the human brain and the connection between the two. I learned of a man who suffered from autism but who could play anything on the piano only having listened to it once. He did not just play exactly what he heard like a computer play-back, but he played with the melody and made it better and his own, but still it was at its core, the song he had just heard for the first time. I made a comment to my wife that when God created him, God knew exactly what his place and role on this earth would be. This musician does not question his ability or his "calling". What he does flows from him as naturally as breath.
Tiger Woods was put on this earth to play golf, Mother Theresa was put on this earth to help the least of these, Martin Luther King, Jr. was put on this earth to speak for the oppressed. Jackson Pollack was put on this earth to paint. Woody Allen was put on this earth to make movies.
Now those are people who everyone knows, but I have friends who are similar. A guy who I went to high school with was put on this earth to make movies, and while he may not have made anything with a million dollar budget, he loves what he does and he is not swayed. One of my closest friends is so talented in the music business. He does not even give himself the credit he deserves and every time he thinks of getting out of the business, I cringe. Luckily God has done about everything to keep him in it.
That is what I long for. I would love a singular directive from the God who made me so that I could give all my efforts toward that end. Even if I did not succeed in the eyes of those around me, I would know I was doing what I was called to do and not have to deal with the questions and doubts that surround me on a daily basis.
I am thankful for those who have found their purpose and who allow others to enjoy their work, such as artists, architects, engineers, scientists, doctors, etc. I am now watching Tim Reynolds and Dave Matthews in concert so that I can enjoy great music on a warm July evening. I am thankful for the Belgium monks who made this Abbey Brown Ale of which I have partaken. I am thankful for those who have used their talents and directed their passions to make the world a better place.
The question is, "what is my talent?"
If I was honest, I would admit that I still feel like that kid about to graduate high school who gets very quiet and looks at his shoes when he is asked by every adult, "so what do you want to do with your life?"
I imagine most people feel like this. They have fallen into a vocation out of laziness or pressure from within or from outside, but still feel like a bit of a round peg in a square hole. I at least hope others feel like this. It would be a bit disheartening to find out everyone gets up in the morning with a singular purpose that has been clearly communicated by the Creator of the Universe with no doubt or questioning. If that's the case, don't tell me.
I don't know...
Maybe this is my attempt to control my life. If I know my purpose, maybe I don't need God. It's almost like getting directions from someone then taking off to follow those directions. God does not want me to walk this journey of life like that. He does not want a preliminary meeting where He tells me what He wants as clear as possible so that I can then take off and live my life without a daily walk with Him.
Is it OK to know what you are supposed to do tomorrow, but have no idea 5 years from now? While this seems like the right approach, this will only get me where I am now.
Anyway...this is boring to me now. Too introspective and whiny. Gonna listen to some more music and think about this. The Abbey Brown Ale will help.
ha ha.
27 April 2009
British Sea Power
I just need to tell all 2 people who read this that I love British Sea Power....whew...I feel better...
http://www.britishseapower.co.uk/
http://www.britishseapower.co.uk/
hope is what I need
I open up Chrome, Google's completely awesome internet browser, and notice that the majority of my most visited websites are news websites and some are completely devoted to finances...CNN, Wall Street Journal, New York Times, Bloomberg. Now I have never traded a stock and would not know a corporate bond if it met me at the bar and gave me a open mouth kiss, but for some reason I visit a lot of sites that deal with finances and the economy. Why would a adequate engineer who loves Marketing and Star Wars visit all these sites?
...hope...
I want hope. Hope is the drug I require in massive doses. Hope is what keeps the smile on my face and the song in my heart. Hope drives away the voices in my head and the darkness that can so easily envelop me. Hope...Hope...Hope...I need hope.
I scour these sites and many others in an attempt to find enough evidence for that day, moment, hour, minute, whatever, to make me feel that it will all be OK. I hope for green figures in the Dow and if it is red, I look for reasons that me, a guy who hated Engineering Economics so much he did not go to most of the classes at Tech, can explain it away and tell myself this is just a blip and we will get back to a roaring economy in a matter of minutes.
I look for optimistic economists like my dog searches for that dropped french fry. I ignore mountains of pessimistic information that will just confirm the destruction I know awaits me. I develop selective memory and when someone tells me something that contradicts my hope, I run to my computer and search and search for reasons why they are wrong. I need hope.
This is exhausting.
The truth that things may get worse is so overwhelming, I cannot face it. I don't want to face it, so ignorance is bliss...if I am going down, I am going down with a smile, even if is a false smile painted on with a nervous hand.
Every time I open up Chrome to begin my search for reasons why I will not be homeless or have my dreams and my work over the past 13 years disappear like smoke, I hear a still small voice...it is familiar, but I don't want to listen...it requires too much of me.
"Do not put your hope in these things. Put your hope in Me."
Lam 3:24 "The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him"
But I push that away, because He asks too much of me. This is easier and quicker. And, to be honest, He may not have this work out like I want it to. He may have this firm I have devoted so much of my life to creating and growing into such a beautiful thing disappear. He may take away this job position I worked so hard for and just now got a small taste of...a taste that was better than I ever imagined. He may not do it my way. I know this because we have a history together and He has a tendency to do it His way rather than my way. Sometimes His way scares the crap out of me.
So no...I won't listen to the voice and for the 14th time this week type "Recession End" into the search engine and pray to Google to give me hope...fleeting, easy, shallow, hope knowing I will be back again soon.
...hope...
I want hope. Hope is the drug I require in massive doses. Hope is what keeps the smile on my face and the song in my heart. Hope drives away the voices in my head and the darkness that can so easily envelop me. Hope...Hope...Hope...I need hope.
I scour these sites and many others in an attempt to find enough evidence for that day, moment, hour, minute, whatever, to make me feel that it will all be OK. I hope for green figures in the Dow and if it is red, I look for reasons that me, a guy who hated Engineering Economics so much he did not go to most of the classes at Tech, can explain it away and tell myself this is just a blip and we will get back to a roaring economy in a matter of minutes.
I look for optimistic economists like my dog searches for that dropped french fry. I ignore mountains of pessimistic information that will just confirm the destruction I know awaits me. I develop selective memory and when someone tells me something that contradicts my hope, I run to my computer and search and search for reasons why they are wrong. I need hope.
This is exhausting.
The truth that things may get worse is so overwhelming, I cannot face it. I don't want to face it, so ignorance is bliss...if I am going down, I am going down with a smile, even if is a false smile painted on with a nervous hand.
Every time I open up Chrome to begin my search for reasons why I will not be homeless or have my dreams and my work over the past 13 years disappear like smoke, I hear a still small voice...it is familiar, but I don't want to listen...it requires too much of me.
"Do not put your hope in these things. Put your hope in Me."
Lam 3:24 "The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him"
But I push that away, because He asks too much of me. This is easier and quicker. And, to be honest, He may not have this work out like I want it to. He may have this firm I have devoted so much of my life to creating and growing into such a beautiful thing disappear. He may take away this job position I worked so hard for and just now got a small taste of...a taste that was better than I ever imagined. He may not do it my way. I know this because we have a history together and He has a tendency to do it His way rather than my way. Sometimes His way scares the crap out of me.
So no...I won't listen to the voice and for the 14th time this week type "Recession End" into the search engine and pray to Google to give me hope...fleeting, easy, shallow, hope knowing I will be back again soon.
Tara is the nicest person of the day
http://monpetitmot.blogspot.com/
Tara Snow is a person I got to know when she worked for an architecture firm that we did business with. I enjoyed every interaction with Tara, especially her upbeat personality and hearing a rumor that she matched her bubbly personality with large amounts of death metal and hard core punk. I still doubt these, but found the combination too much fun.
It was great to learn that her sunny personality comes from her relationship with God...I should have known.
Check out her blog, and especially the awesome stuff she says about me, HERE.
Thanks, Tara...you win the nicest person of the day award...
Tara Snow is a person I got to know when she worked for an architecture firm that we did business with. I enjoyed every interaction with Tara, especially her upbeat personality and hearing a rumor that she matched her bubbly personality with large amounts of death metal and hard core punk. I still doubt these, but found the combination too much fun.
It was great to learn that her sunny personality comes from her relationship with God...I should have known.
Check out her blog, and especially the awesome stuff she says about me, HERE.
Thanks, Tara...you win the nicest person of the day award...
23 October 2008
who knows...
As I continue to think about what may happen in this economy, I am becoming less hopeless. I am not becoming more optimistic, just less hopeless. I realize there is hope. There is hope in God, and what more do I need. It is possible for PES to grow and thrive in this awful recession-filled economy. It may be a miracle, but who is to say it CANNOT happen.
Is it OK to hope for the best?
I am not going to parade around saying it's all just going to be fine and nothing will change and it will all be easy, but is it OK to hope? Am i worried if I get my hopes up that I am setting myself up for disappointment?
Wow, God just brought Psalm 20 to mind. That is what Amy had engraved in my first wedding band. It says...
1 May the LORD answer you when you are in distress;
may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.
2 May he send you help from the sanctuary
and grant you support from Zion.
3 May he remember all your sacrifices
and accept your burnt offerings.
Selah
4 May he give you the desire of your heart
and make all your plans succeed.
5 We will shout for joy when you are victorious
and will lift up our banners in the name of our God.
May the LORD grant all your requests.
6 Now I know that the LORD saves his anointed;
he answers him from his holy heaven
with the saving power of his right hand.
7 Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.
8 They are brought to their knees and fall,
but we rise up and stand firm.
9 O LORD, save the king!
Answer us when we call!
That is awesome. Those are fighting words.
Thanks God for your word that brings comfort. Help me.
Is it OK to hope for the best?
I am not going to parade around saying it's all just going to be fine and nothing will change and it will all be easy, but is it OK to hope? Am i worried if I get my hopes up that I am setting myself up for disappointment?
Wow, God just brought Psalm 20 to mind. That is what Amy had engraved in my first wedding band. It says...
1 May the LORD answer you when you are in distress;
may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.
2 May he send you help from the sanctuary
and grant you support from Zion.
3 May he remember all your sacrifices
and accept your burnt offerings.
Selah
4 May he give you the desire of your heart
and make all your plans succeed.
5 We will shout for joy when you are victorious
and will lift up our banners in the name of our God.
May the LORD grant all your requests.
6 Now I know that the LORD saves his anointed;
he answers him from his holy heaven
with the saving power of his right hand.
7 Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.
8 They are brought to their knees and fall,
but we rise up and stand firm.
9 O LORD, save the king!
Answer us when we call!
That is awesome. Those are fighting words.
Thanks God for your word that brings comfort. Help me.
Great quote from Amy
My wife who sees the world through eyes more like that way Jesus sees things told me the following when I was freaking out about the economy and what I should do about this...
"take it, absorb it, live in the sweet melancholy of the situation for a couple of moments, then give it up, and let God handle the situation he put you in"
That's some good stuff...
Thanks, baby!
"take it, absorb it, live in the sweet melancholy of the situation for a couple of moments, then give it up, and let God handle the situation he put you in"
That's some good stuff...
Thanks, baby!
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