FF's

It comes over our family like a virus. It cannot be predicted. It can strike any time of day or night and it does not care which member of the family it infects. Once one of us gets infected, it spreads throughout the rest of the family in a matter of hours, if not minutes. We used to rebuke the one who first catches it, but now we have learned that this is part of being in this family. This possible genetic deficiency is part of who we are. We used to fight it, but now we know our struggle is futile. My wife was the last to resign herself to it and now she is like me and the kids in our weakness. It's debilitating. It affects how we talk, what we eat, what we wear, what we discuss. It affects our television viewing, what music we listen to and what pictures my kids draw.

This "virus" causes such an ache, almost a physical hunger, in us and when we all get it, we are done. We look to each other for support, for tips and tricks to curb our pain. We take solace in the fact we are in this together and soon we will each have our hunger temporarily satisfied.

We call this crushing virus - Florida Feelings. My daughter calls them FF's for short.

We were in the dead of winter a few years ago. We were all getting out of my wife's Explorer to all go into Publix when my daughter was infected. "Dad, I just had a Florida Feeling." Without any time to react, I feel what she feels. We all go to Publix at the beach and we always take my wife's car. While we have gone to Publix in her Explorer many more times in Georgia than in Florida, our time at the beach is so special to us, that those memories win.

Now I am done. Instead of buying groceries for soups and starchy casseroles, I am begging my wife to let me buy ingredients for tacos. I find myself picking through mealy tasting strawberries and oranges, trying to recapture the tastes from our favorite place. I remind myself to change into shorts the minute I get home, in spite of the 40 degree weather.

My daughter and I giggle as we smell the few bottles of tanning lotion in the grocery store. I tell her that I used to put a little on my upper lip so I could smell that wonderful scent wherever I went. She joins me in this family ritual and I question my actions. It's like giving a shopaholic a credit card and a used bag from the mall. I see her eyes light up as she breathes in the sweet coconut smell. It is times like these that I know she is my daughter. We are created from the same stuff.

My wife's attitude begins to turn as as all start to sing along to the Jack Johnson CD in the car as we go home. She begins to imagine the smell the skirt steak coming off the grill. When she asks how many weeks of vacation I can use this summer, I know she has come over to the other side. Her eyes are wide and clear and she is gone. I love her so much.

As we sit down to eat our grilled steak tacos with homemade salsa, I dig our copy of Surf's Up and we all enjoy our summertime feast. My son is the last to be infected. However, when he sees the computer animated penguins surfing on the beautiful sun soaked beach, he speaks the collective thought of our family, "Man, I wanna go to the beach."

Yeah, bud. We all do.

Resting is difficult

The kids finally go into their rooms. The previous 30 minutes was filled with giggles and approximately 3 arguments as my son and daughter prepared for bed. For reasons I cannot begin to understand, the tasks of brushing teeth and changing into pajamas cannot be completed without some discussion over toothpaste or who needs privacy in the bathroom again or some other random and insignificant topic. It is like they have never gotten ready for bed before and have no idea what is required. Typically at some point in the evening's preparations, laughter pours down the stairs. What brought on this hilarity is unknown and us parents prefer it that way. After the fifth time asking the kids to settle down and just go to bed, each finally retire to their individual rooms.

It's quiet. My wife is on the computer or having some conversation with a friend. I used to try to listen and see if they were talking about me, but I soon realized the discussion centers around other female friends and children. These topics do not interest me, so I sit and look for relaxation.

It would seem that the act of relaxing would be easy. I am under the impression that to relax is the act of doing nothing. Just letting yourself be and setting aside the stress and worries of the day and do nothing. So this is what I attempt and I find this impossible.

I am so conditioned by my life to "do" that I now cannot "not-do". My mind will not quit racing. It does not know how to not worry about finances, the roof that needs repairs, the marketing plan that is due on Monday, the plans for this weekend, the sudden changes in my daughter now that she is in middle school, the sinus infection that is now afflicting my son, my wife's burdensome job, my long term career hopes, this little blog, the oil change that is needed in my car, the lunch meeting with a client tomorrow, the phone call on Friday, and this list goes on and on. It is almost deafening.

What I find most disconcerting is the speed and intensity that appears to be normal for me. As my heart begins to slow from an surprising rate, I cannot stop the feverish compulsion of my thoughts. I can almost feel my mind and soul getting the cold shakes of withdrawal as I try to take away the stress and worry. I cannot will it to be still and calm and any effort to do so increases the intensity.

Is this how I operate throughout my waking hours? Is this what I accept as normal? Is this me? This cannot be good. No one can sustain this level of intensity and not be affected.

I need a distraction, so I go to television, or my Blackberry to see what is happening on twitter. It's another fix and my mind is temporarily satisfied. However, I feel the call of God asking me to turn the TV off and put down the Crackberry and just be still.

I relent and try to calm my mind. I can't. My ears almost ring with the silence and my brain craves stimulation to distract from the bombardment of thought. I am scared of what I accept as normal now. It is only by sitting still do I see the turmoil and frenzy of my internal life. There is no room for peace and tranquility in me. All of me is filled with worry, deadlines, stress, and planning, and this I accept.

God, teach me to stop. Teach me to relearn what I now consider as normal. May I live out and experience Psalm 62:5 "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him."

Does anyone else struggle with this? Does anyone take the time to be still and find they can actually pull it off? Any advice or discussion would be appreciated.

This can be overwhelming

It's been a while since I sat down to record my thoughts on the blogspot servers for all the interneters out there to read and critique. I have missed it greatly, and have thought about it every day, but recently I have found myself a bit intimidated. I follow this person on Twitter who gives great advice for writers. She sent a lot of tweets about rules all writers should follow and things writers should never do. Some of these pieces of advice were obvious and helpful, some were confusing to me and a few of these guidelines I knew I have violated in the past.

While I did appreciate the concepts, I was overwhelmed with the amount of rules and guidelines I needed to learn and remember and apply to be successful. Then there were other rules that did not match how my brain works and the voice I hear in my head when I write. I guess my voice is wrong.

That was a bit disheartening. I have worked at turning off the critical editor as I write. For years I had this voice in my head that made it's pure hate known for every word that my little fingers pecked out. That voice was so critical and took all the fun and creativity out of writing. That small bald angry editor's voice was debilitating and I did not write for years. I could only get a few sentences out on the screen before I would stop and agree with the small angry editor and delete it all and start over.

There were a few brief beautiful moments in which the words came forth with such speed and clarity that the editor could not keep up. He was furious at the amount of words pouring onto the screen and he would cringe with disgust as he would hear me giggle at the story that was taking shape before my eyes. If there as a way to capture that feeling, I would need nothing else in this world, and God does not want me to be that self sufficient.

So this post is my attempt to regain the fluidity I enjoyed in September and some of October. I hope this would help to quiet the editor and send him back to his dark office, only to be let out when I allow it.

Let's see how it goes...

Great video

You ever meet someone and just think, "I would love to hang out with him a lot more." This was exactly how I felt after meeting this person. My cousin introduced us and after about 10 minutes, we got into a discussion about the worst cuss word you can say. The opinions were varied and discussion was enlightening and engaging.

Now, after this video, I want to become his best friend...

Click here

10 Things I love more than I should

Here are 10 things that I love more than I should...

1. Radiohead
2. Krispy Kreme Donuts
3. Arsenal
4. Adidas Sambas
5. Top Gear
6. The number 3
7. Golf
8. Guinness
9. my car (2006 MINI Cooper S)
10. 30 Rock

All of these things produce a physical reaction of giddy pleasure more than should be allowed. Typically there is giggling and maybe even the clapping of hands. I am a 36 year old man who still greets his car with a, "Good morning."

Now don't get me wrong. I still love my wife and kids more than any of these things, and Jesus still is at the top of my list. However, I get weak in the knees when I watch 30 Rock and Top Gear.

I have shed tears when Arsenal wins because of the abundance of joy I feel. It is like God is causing His face to shine upon me.

I have played golf in sleet and snow and even now I am a bit nervous to look to the left of my chair because I will see my golf clubs and it makes me sad that I can't afford to play right now.

I refuse to see Radiohead live because I don't want to risk not liking them as much as I do. I usually emit an audible sigh when they come up on my iPod.

If I kiss my wife more than once, it has to be 3 times. She knows this and still has sex with me.

I have owned a pair of Adidas Sambas since the early 1990's. I love them and even when I get a new pair I have trouble throwing out the old ones. I right now have 2 pairs of the exact same shoe.

I don't think I have to apologize for the donuts or Guinness. In 1903, Harry Vardon had tuberculosis during the British Open. He almost collapsed between rounds and was coughing up blood, but sipped on a pint of Guinness for strength and then went out later that day and won. Guinness is wonderful.

What's wrong with me?

Anyone else want to admit to something they love more than they should?

The Search of God and Guinness

Thomas Nelson, the publisher of the book The Search for God and Guinness sent me a copy of the book for my review on my blog. This book, by Stephen Mansfield, tells the almost unbelievable story of Arthur Guinness and his family. Arthur Guinness founded the Guinness brewery in 1759. While the story of the growth and success of Guinness Brewery is amazing enough, what was a real surprise was the story of his family and descendants and how the simple brewing of, what is in my opinion, a wonderful beer truly changed the face of Ireland and possibly the world for the better.

Let me first say, this book will make you extremely thirsty. As Mr. Mansfield described the brewing process and even touched on the health benefits of beer, I found it difficult to resist cracking open a cold Guinness myself. Gladly, I succumbed to the temptation and from then on enjoyed the book even more.

With what appears to be little information on Arthur Guinness himself, Mr. Mansfield's story is one of the Guinness family tree and how they used their fame and wealth to help so many people. I was amazed at the collection of stories of those associated with the Guinness Brewery and all the good they did. While any one of the stories of the family rebuilding St. Patrick's Cathedral Church or one becoming one of the best known preachers in the world or being a pioneer of the concept that a company should care for the health and well-being of its employees, is inspiring, it is the weight of each story on top of the other that made this story truly remarkable and almost unbelievable.

There is a lesson regarding how individuals and organizations should use wealth and influence in making the world a better place, and given the current environment of much suffering due to the greed of those in power, this is something to be heeded. However, what God laid upon my heart was how the family passed down these values from generation to generation. All of us who, wether we are wealth or powerful, should, like Arthur Guinness, pass down eternal values to the next generation. If I can so deeply imprint the principles of God into the hearts of the next generation that those principles are passed on and on, then I have left this world a very rich man.

Amazon here

Catalyst 2009

Wow, what a couple of days. For some degree of context, I need to tell you that I had a lot of expectations going into this conference. I was really struggling for the few weeks before. The worries of our finances, my professional future, the many decisions we are facing or could face, the insane pressure at work, transitions in our family, and then the obligatory list of small concerns were beginning to weigh on me. I was stressed and I needed God's help. I was close to the end of myself.

God did show up. There seemed to be a pretty constant theme throughout Catalyst this year amongst the majority of speakers. I wonder if others saw the same theme, or if God emphasized something else through the 2 days. What God impressed upon my heart was, God was asking me to run my race, not the race I see others run or trying to run, but my race, the race He has set for me and I should run that race well.

From the first session with Andy Stanley in which he reminded us that God does not come to play a role in our story, but we are designed to play our role in His story. Rob Bell called us all to enjoy the place we find ourselves and not to concern ourselves with others and their achievements or success but just the thing that is now in front of us and obey God in that, then the next, then the next, and walk with Him. Matt Chandler finished up Thursday with a message on running the race before you and running your part well. He said it was ingratitude toward God to desire someone else's place in life. Then Friday morning Priscilla Shirer spoke on leadership and she made gave us the example of Joshua, when crossing the Jordan, did not move until God moved. God was the leader and we should, like Joshua, not move unless God is in it. Jesus claimed He did his Father's will and nothing else. As a result, we should only do those things God asks of us and nothing else. Dave Ramsey was wonderful and challenged each of us to "Figure out our Deal" and then with Intense Focus over Time, with God, we can gain unstoppable momentum. Chuck Swindoll inspired us with some of the leadership lessons he has learned over the past 50 years. He said one concept he has learned is God's way is better than our way.

There were other great speakers and I was inspired and convicted and encouraged by all of them. However, this theme of finding God's calling for me (figuring out my deal) and then pursuing that calling or running that race well and moving only when God does step by step, day by day was something God really impressed upon me.

Right now, it's hard to know what to do. Should I be looking for another job? Should I be blanketing our industry and all my family and friends with my resume so that I can be ready if something goes wrong at my current job? Why does neither my wife or I have any peace about that?

Maybe, going forward, God is asking me to walk with Him step by step and leave the results in His hands.

Andy Stanley said his father lived by this principle: "God takes full responsibility for the life wholly devoted to Him."

That is what I am called to now in this season and throughout my life. To walk with God, day by day in a life fully devoted to Him and leave the results and consequences in His hands.

The future is no more certain now than it was before Catalyst 2009, but there is so much more peace knowing that by daily walking with Him, I will fulfill His perfect plan for my life and I can live in the freedom of leaving the consequences in His hands.