Take note

One thing I have learned in my walk through this thing we call life, is to take notice. It may sound a bit narcissistic, but I have found it helpful to notice those things, good and bad, that affect me most. By noticing these things, over time, I learn more about how I am uniquely made by God and learn more about my place in His plan. I have found it difficult to make definitive statements about myself. It would seem like the person who would know me best would be me, but that is not the case. Wading through all the voices in my head and my many moods and emotional swings, in an attempt to get to the real me can be a daunting task. How do you know that some desire or reaction is not just a product of my random emotional state that day or the fact that I happen to be trying to give up caffeine, so I am a bit on edge? There is always some thing or event that appears to be unique to today or a season of my life that "gets in the way".

So I have learned to look for patterns. And those patterns tell a lot of about me and who I am and my special place in God's plan.

Tonight as I was driving home from hanging out with a friend, the U2 song "Yahweh" began to play. I was reminded of a time in my life in which that song would consistenetly bring tears to my eyes and specifically one line...

Take these lips
So quick to criticize
Take these lips
Give them a kiss

That last line used to mess me up. I remember one time turning into a blubbering idiot from that last line. I was also reminded of my favorite part of the movie The Lion, Witch, and Wardrobe". It was when Lucy and Susan meet Aslan after he comes back from the table. When they realize he is alive, they run their fingers through his mane. That affected me more than any other part in that movie. Also, I have noticed that when I am separated from my wife for a while, either through distance or one of us is sick and quarantined in the upstairs room, I don't feel like we are really back together until I can give her a big embrace and feel her in my arms. That's when I feel normal again.

A few years ago, I was meeting with a spiritual director and he had me take a test called Sacred Pathways, which described the many ways people relate to God and gave you an idea as to which of those paths you most easily relate to God. Sensate was one of my most strongest characteristics. One way I relate to God is through the senses. I love seeing the things of God, and hearing music about him, and smelling the incense when I went to the Orthodox church, and tasting the bread and the wine during communion. But touch is more difficult. I can't really touch God now, but I long to. I am really looking forward to holding his hand one day and feeling his strong arms around me. For some, this may seem weird, but it is how he made me. I can take comfort in the fact that one day I will be able to hug my Savior and that thought helps me travel this life and gives me some strength to do what he has called me to.

It's time to do this

Today was a big day for me. Work continues its dreadful march toward some inevitable fate. What that fate is, I have no idea, but I know tomorrow I am called to show up and give it my all.

I have really thought about my life given the circumstances that I now find myself in. I feel like I have stayed at my current position, because it was best for me and my family. It was safe and my future was filled with promise. However, that future looks more and more dim, and now I feel my future at my current employer is no longer as safe as it once was.

It is like the playing field has been leveled and all options available to me are as safe (or unsafe) as any other. So now I choose my calling upon "What does God want for me?" Of course, I have wanted to follow God's will and calling throughout my life, and I feel I have done what He has asked of me. But now, there is a restlessness and a sense that there could be a new chapter waiting for me.

I listened to a John Eldredge podcast on Desire, and today his discussion aligned with what I have been wrestling with. He said that God has created each of us with a very special part to play in His plan and we were created with that part specifically in mind. You can get a clue as to your part by looking at what you Desire. He asked us to consider 3 questions to get at your deepest desire, which will lead you to your part in God's plan.

1. What do you want to bring to the world?
2. Certain compliments from others bring a deep satisfaction. What are those?
3. What activities do you do when you feel God's pleasure?

I began to consider those questions, and of course writing came to mind. It has come to mind for now almost 20 years. I wanted something else.

So I began to pray, and I really felt a lot of conflict internally. I began to fall into a deep dispair, one in which I am very familiar. It felt like the dark times in my life were beginning again. I literally screamed out to God, "No, I will not go through this f'in s*** again. You will not sit there and watch me go down this path of seeking and you sit up there and remain silent. I will not pour my heart out once again and have you disregard it so easily." I became very angry, and let God have it.

I wanted to hear from Him very very clearly about what He has called me to. Some things came to mind....

1. I love leading others in excellence. I don't have to be the #1 guy, I just want to have influence and be involved in something that is bigger than me that strives toward excellence.
2. I love being creative. I have doubts about my talent, but I have turned out some cool things that have excited me and others (visually, film, writing, etc.)
3. I love playing around with ideas and linking ideas and concepts and see how they fit into the grand scheme of things.

So that is great. What exercise can I go through that allows me those things.

Again, writing came up. I don't want it to come up. I am tired of playing around with this idea of writing and seeing it go no where. Of course, I have not given it the attention it has needed, but nonetheless I wanted something new. Also, I wanted to hear God call me to something.

So He did.

He reminded me of those times in which I have sat down to write and the words have just flowed from someplace that was cooler and bigger and more creative than I was. I have heard a lot of people, mostly family, but some outside (Tara) who have complimented me on what I can say through words and how my words have affected them. I have wanted to write since for over half of my life, and now, I feel like I have been given another chance.

I wanted it to be something different. Something new and cool and filled with technology. But it wasn't. It was writing. The ghost that has chased me for 20 years. The one that I have so many times turned to embrace, only to cast it aside once again out of fear and self doubt.

I told this story to Amy and she was so happy for me. She says that after I write, I am so refreshed, even more than when I play golf. I did not realize that. That is an encouraging thought.

So here I go. I have no idea what lies in store for me, but I think God likes it that way. He does not give us very powerful flashlights. He only gives us His hand and asks us to trust Him that the way He is leading us is best, even though it may seem treacherous and exhausting, we have placed our hand in His, and that is all we really can do.

Ok, God...here I go...It's time to do this.

I pray for encouragement and faith and that you will bring those around me that believe in me. I pray that you help me persevere through those times in which I may lose hope and purpose. This is scary. Tell me You have my hand and that this is the way you have for me now.

Thanks. I love you, God. Please don't let me down.

what happens when you turn 30?

As I drove down the street trying to listen to a little Belle & Sebastian to calm me down, I realized it was pointless. The first tear ran down my face as I turned the radio off and contemplated what was in store for me. I was on my way to meet with someone who was going through so much pain and suffering that I did not know if I could handle being around him. And then I would think about actually going through what he has been called to go through and I started to weep even more. I screamed at God for allowing this to happen, saying he did not deserve to go through this. This is too much for one person to handle. The tears kept coming, not just for him, but myself and so many other friends who are going through the shit right now in some bad bad ways.

So many people get to be like 30 or 35 and just decide to blow up their lives as they know it. They make these stupid, selfish decisions and it brings so much pain and suffering to so many people. No one can fully anticipate all the damage they can bring when they make some of the decisions they do.

I mean we all have done some regrettable things, but they all seem to have such massive heart breaking consequences now.

What happens at this stage in our lives to make us do this? Even as I write this more and more individuals that I love and cherish are either going through some really bad things or are the cause of some really bad things. Why...why...

Is it because the way we are living does not work? Does it take approximately 10 years to realize the construct we have built that defines how we live our lives is broken and so we get desperate and reach for things that we know will destroy us, but we have no other choice? Is our view of God and his love and acceptance so messed up that we are scared to reach to him? We are so scared to get help even when we know we are dying inside. We know we are headed down a dark and lonely path and some even have the foresight to know the gravity of the decisions they are about to make, but the pain we are about to bring on us and those around us is not as great as the pain we feel in our chests.

So we jump...we run...we grasp to something that is evil and wrong but feels so good in that moment. It is sickening sweet and new and heavy, but gross...but different.

And it is done.

We are shocked at the power of one decision as to how it has affected us and those who we claim to love and care for. We had no idea how powerful we truly are to completely destroy and harm others. We see the spiritual and eternal ramifications and it is breathtaking. We are powerful and awesome and it makes us scared. No one should be able to destroy that much with one decision. But as you look at the ruins of your life, you understand and appreciate and regret your ability.

But it is done.

God help us, but you won't think he will...

As a word of warning for those who have just entered adulthood or recently on their journey. Get help, counseling help, as soon as you see it going south. It will not get better on it's own. It is like a festering sore that you won't get treated so it gets so bad you decide to cut the arm off on your own.

It's not about making the right decisions on your job, or being successful, or finding the right spouse. It is about fixing your view of God. Do that and you have a better shot at not screwing it all up than the rest of us had...

God help us all...

Success verses Purpose

I don't want to be necessarily successful at something, I just want to know that what I do is what I am supposed to do.

For instance, I saw a documentary on music and the human brain and the connection between the two. I learned of a man who suffered from autism but who could play anything on the piano only having listened to it once. He did not just play exactly what he heard like a computer play-back, but he played with the melody and made it better and his own, but still it was at its core, the song he had just heard for the first time. I made a comment to my wife that when God created him, God knew exactly what his place and role on this earth would be. This musician does not question his ability or his "calling". What he does flows from him as naturally as breath.

Tiger Woods was put on this earth to play golf, Mother Theresa was put on this earth to help the least of these, Martin Luther King, Jr. was put on this earth to speak for the oppressed. Jackson Pollack was put on this earth to paint. Woody Allen was put on this earth to make movies.

Now those are people who everyone knows, but I have friends who are similar. A guy who I went to high school with was put on this earth to make movies, and while he may not have made anything with a million dollar budget, he loves what he does and he is not swayed. One of my closest friends is so talented in the music business. He does not even give himself the credit he deserves and every time he thinks of getting out of the business, I cringe. Luckily God has done about everything to keep him in it.

That is what I long for. I would love a singular directive from the God who made me so that I could give all my efforts toward that end. Even if I did not succeed in the eyes of those around me, I would know I was doing what I was called to do and not have to deal with the questions and doubts that surround me on a daily basis.

I am thankful for those who have found their purpose and who allow others to enjoy their work, such as artists, architects, engineers, scientists, doctors, etc. I am now watching Tim Reynolds and Dave Matthews in concert so that I can enjoy great music on a warm July evening. I am thankful for the Belgium monks who made this Abbey Brown Ale of which I have partaken. I am thankful for those who have used their talents and directed their passions to make the world a better place.

The question is, "what is my talent?"

If I was honest, I would admit that I still feel like that kid about to graduate high school who gets very quiet and looks at his shoes when he is asked by every adult, "so what do you want to do with your life?"

I imagine most people feel like this. They have fallen into a vocation out of laziness or pressure from within or from outside, but still feel like a bit of a round peg in a square hole. I at least hope others feel like this. It would be a bit disheartening to find out everyone gets up in the morning with a singular purpose that has been clearly communicated by the Creator of the Universe with no doubt or questioning. If that's the case, don't tell me.

I don't know...

Maybe this is my attempt to control my life. If I know my purpose, maybe I don't need God. It's almost like getting directions from someone then taking off to follow those directions. God does not want me to walk this journey of life like that. He does not want a preliminary meeting where He tells me what He wants as clear as possible so that I can then take off and live my life without a daily walk with Him.

Is it OK to know what you are supposed to do tomorrow, but have no idea 5 years from now? While this seems like the right approach, this will only get me where I am now.

Anyway...this is boring to me now. Too introspective and whiny. Gonna listen to some more music and think about this. The Abbey Brown Ale will help.

ha ha.

British Sea Power

I just need to tell all 2 people who read this that I love British Sea Power....whew...I feel better...

http://www.britishseapower.co.uk/

hope is what I need

I open up Chrome, Google's completely awesome internet browser, and notice that the majority of my most visited websites are news websites and some are completely devoted to finances...CNN, Wall Street Journal, New York Times, Bloomberg. Now I have never traded a stock and would not know a corporate bond if it met me at the bar and gave me a open mouth kiss, but for some reason I visit a lot of sites that deal with finances and the economy. Why would a adequate engineer who loves Marketing and Star Wars visit all these sites?

...hope...

I want hope. Hope is the drug I require in massive doses. Hope is what keeps the smile on my face and the song in my heart. Hope drives away the voices in my head and the darkness that can so easily envelop me. Hope...Hope...Hope...I need hope.

I scour these sites and many others in an attempt to find enough evidence for that day, moment, hour, minute, whatever, to make me feel that it will all be OK. I hope for green figures in the Dow and if it is red, I look for reasons that me, a guy who hated Engineering Economics so much he did not go to most of the classes at Tech, can explain it away and tell myself this is just a blip and we will get back to a roaring economy in a matter of minutes.

I look for optimistic economists like my dog searches for that dropped french fry. I ignore mountains of pessimistic information that will just confirm the destruction I know awaits me. I develop selective memory and when someone tells me something that contradicts my hope, I run to my computer and search and search for reasons why they are wrong. I need hope.

This is exhausting.

The truth that things may get worse is so overwhelming, I cannot face it. I don't want to face it, so ignorance is bliss...if I am going down, I am going down with a smile, even if is a false smile painted on with a nervous hand.

Every time I open up Chrome to begin my search for reasons why I will not be homeless or have my dreams and my work over the past 13 years disappear like smoke, I hear a still small voice...it is familiar, but I don't want to listen...it requires too much of me.

"Do not put your hope in these things. Put your hope in Me."

Lam 3:24 "The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him"

But I push that away, because He asks too much of me. This is easier and quicker. And, to be honest, He may not have this work out like I want it to. He may have this firm I have devoted so much of my life to creating and growing into such a beautiful thing disappear. He may take away this job position I worked so hard for and just now got a small taste of...a taste that was better than I ever imagined. He may not do it my way. I know this because we have a history together and He has a tendency to do it His way rather than my way. Sometimes His way scares the crap out of me.

So no...I won't listen to the voice and for the 14th time this week type "Recession End" into the search engine and pray to Google to give me hope...fleeting, easy, shallow, hope knowing I will be back again soon.

Tara is the nicest person of the day

http://monpetitmot.blogspot.com/

Tara Snow is a person I got to know when she worked for an architecture firm that we did business with. I enjoyed every interaction with Tara, especially her upbeat personality and hearing a rumor that she matched her bubbly personality with large amounts of death metal and hard core punk. I still doubt these, but found the combination too much fun.

It was great to learn that her sunny personality comes from her relationship with God...I should have known.

Check out her blog, and especially the awesome stuff she says about me, HERE.

Thanks, Tara...you win the nicest person of the day award...